No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
