none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
