if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
