I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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