How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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