Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
