I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
