Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
