Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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