Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
