How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Randomize
