I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
two words...techno handjob
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
