dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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