her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
