i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
