So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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