I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
