you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
