had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it was like eating out sand paper
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My feet surprised me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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