I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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