Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
why is half of my head shaved?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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