note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
