You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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