I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
