If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize