My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
