Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
