she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
