I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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