I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
