i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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