Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
