So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
