i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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