my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
