I CAN MOONWALK!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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