i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
