don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize