We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize