did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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