whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
