Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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