I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
