Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
