They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
