Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
