I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
