True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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