Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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