i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
