Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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