Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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