the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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