Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
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