I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
