I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
