So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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